Things are getting real now

 

So, in January we started the classes to become certified pre-adoptive parents. We found an adoption agency here on Long Island that facilitates the process.  We first must be certified Foster parents because the adoption process takes a while. Therefore prior to the legalities of adoption we will be fostering.

The classes were emotional and I really wished I had documented my feelings throughout the process. My image of our child/children and how our family will be has morphed every week. I now understand how broken these children are and why they behave the way they do. It’s traumatizing to go through what they have gone through. I’m heart broken to think my daughter(s) will have been through abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, ptsd, and God forbid even worse. I’m bracing myself for the storms that might be ahead of us, and trusting that we will make it through to calmer waters. However, I still find myself so angry at their biological family yet I understand the love our child/children will have for their biological parents.  It’s so unfair.

We have found two little girls and are approved for placement (told you we would get two). They are from upstate and are 9 and 13.  Our sharing conference is tomorrow. We are both sick with anxiety because we don’t know anything about these two girls, yet we have studied their online profile and know every letter and ever word. It’s painfully vague. Do they have special needs? Will we be able to care for them? Are they going to be the right fit? Will the two beautiful little girls in the photo we have been carrying around for several months be ours or will be have to start the search all over? I less than 24 hours I’ll know these answers.  I feel sick to my stomach about this.

To be honest, this process has been parallel to pregnancy. I’ve had two biological children, and I feel similar emotions through out this process. At first I was excited.  I had this idea about how our family would change. As we began the process and became more educated, we sometimes would have doubts and fears.  Once we were certified we began to make future plans and prepare.  We cancelled our vacation but decided we may need a little time alone before became parents (booked a babymoon). We are preparing a bedroom and we are anxiously awaiting the day when we become parents.

People i talk to seem to be concerned that we can’t see the girls in real life before we commit to being parents to them. I guess I do sort of understand that concern, but I don’t care about their mannerisms. I don’t care how they sound, if they have speech problems, if they look me in the eye, if they smile or frown or any of that! I don’t care because I know the child I meet will not be the child I live with 6 months later. It will not the daughter I teach to drive one day or watch graduate high school.

We will know tomorrow morning if they are ours…I feel pretty certain they are.

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