I’m afraid…

I like to say “I’m not afraid of anything!”.  But I am. I have a fear of swimming in bodies of water where little fishies brush up against your leg or plop out unexpected . Totally freaks me out. Frankly, I lose my shit. I cause a scene and folks, I am not a “cause a scene” person. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy attention but I really don’t want to look like a squealing fool splashing around and running out of the ocean while people stare at me wondering if it is a shark attack.  It’s embarrassing.

So, I am afraid of some things. Right now, I’m really afraid of “M”, the 12 year old girl we are bringing into our lives.  This is my dream and I was so confident that this was what I wanted; what I’m called to do. I still believe this is my purpose in life, but sheesh…I’m so scared.

M has had a difficult life. I’ve been reading page after page of her life story, through the eyes of social service workers. I have to keep telling myself, this is only part of the story.  My daughter, E, said “Mom, if everything C (her brother) I ever did was documented on paper, what would you think?”. She’s right. In our adoption classes we were taught that the file they give you at the “disclosure meeting” represents survival mode. I really should just stop reading it.  This little girl has learned to survive the only way she could and now I am expecting her to come into my house and become part of my family and live happily ever after ?  It’s not going to be an easy  or smooth transition for her or for us.

I think the part that frightens me the  most is not knowing. I don’t know if she is going to like us.  I don’t know if she is going to become angry or sad, I don’t’ know if she is going to be comfortable in our home. Will she run away? How will she adjust to a new school? Will she make new friends? Will I have regrets?

At this point, we haven’t even started visitation yet, so I’m just trying to calm myself and take this one step at a time, otherwise I just get very freaked out.  Deep breath…no running away squealing.  This is not a shark… Everything is going to be okay.




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